


i do it again and again and again

by SnappleSnapSnake



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Denial, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Identity Reveal, It's One Big Metaphor, It's Small Though, Mixing Miraculouses, One Shot, Post-Episode: s03 Miracle Queen (The Battle of the Miraculous Part 2), Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Imposed Isolation, Stress, These kids aren't talking, avoiding problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:47:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26388907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnappleSnapSnake/pseuds/SnappleSnapSnake
Summary: “You’re falling, Marinette.”It was a simple sentence, just three easy words from the mouth of her kwami. From the mouth of a god, of a friend. But, it held more weight than anyone could ever imagine.(she was falling and falling and falling… how was she supposed to slow down? to stop? to land? there was no way out, it was too late-)But Marinette was Ladybug, and she had always been a quick thinker.“You’re right, Tikki.”
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Alya Césaire & Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Luka Couffaine & Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug & Tikki
Comments: 7
Kudos: 68





	i do it again and again and again

**Author's Note:**

> God, the writing style for this is weird. I don't use it often- except for the lack of capitals on the parentheses (these days I do that a lot)- but it's kind of a vent style. So while this isn't a vent, stuff gets vague, and dialogue can sound stiff because that's just the style. It's me trying to be nuanced.

The thing about falling was that after a while, it started to feel nice. As Ladybug, Marinette was used to it- she would fall, then throw her yoyo, and back up she was pulled. Flying past the city lights. Down and up again.

There was always a panic there, the roaring of the wind in her ears would never stop being intimidating. But then it turned into exhilaration and soon the fear only lasted a second before the ground below became nothing more than an exciting blur.

But, that wasn’t really falling, was it? That was a leap- a showing of bravery that she chose. It was something that, after a while, became fun. It was closer to a hobby than a danger. Leaping sounded reassuring. Like she was in control. It was so, so different from falling.

Marinette hadn’t learnt the difference until she was already halfway down and screaming.

(there was nowhere to land safely. there was always danger- scattered danger that burned her eyes like fire. spreading and spreading until the ground was consumed. and the sky was already weighed down with so many responsibilities. the miracle box, hawkmoth,  _ ladybug _ . she would just be extra weight. so, she let herself fall, all without noticing)

* * *

The day Marinette got the miracle box, stuffed in the corner of her closet until she learnt what to do with it, she cried. Wretched sobbing that she failed to choke down- tears that she couldn’t push down.

Master Fu was gone. He was happy and safe, with so much of his life just… cut out. Gone. He didn’t even get to say goodbye. Not really.

They had fought a real battle against Hawkmoth- after two years of fighting pointless akuma. And what did they have to show for it. No steps forward, no allies, no Master Fu. There was only the stupid box, filled with magic jewlery and no guidance to speak of.

_ And it was all her fault. _

There was no getting out of the guilt, not when her simple, stupid mistake had cost her everything. Not when she’d unraveled everything that they had slowly worked up towards. She had dragged Chat and Master Fu down with her.

Marinette knew that she had to fix it. She had to try harder- because Adrien had distracted her, she’d been too busy being a bad friend to Kagami rather than taking care of her job. She needed to fix everything. Get her act together.

(a part of her, small and meek and outrageously mad, wondered why it had to be her. wasn’t she allowed to make mistakes? she was only fourteen after all. when she stumbled, there wasn’t supposed to fall off a cliffside. ‘where was the ground?’ that small part of her wondered, ‘everyone else always landed on the ground’)

She did it wrong. She’d ruined everything. Chat probably  _ did  _ hate her. Tikki probably  _ was  _ disappointed. If Master Fu could remember all of her mistakes, he probably  _ would  _ resent her.

But she’d put herself together- fed the kwamis, skimmed through the pages of the most important book in the world (that she couldn’t even understand), and promised herself that she’d be better.

The butterfly hadn’t even made it to her balcony before it flew back to where it came from.

(marinette couldn’t see that, past her proud smile, tikki was worried)

* * *

You can’t balance when there is nothing to stand on in the first place. 

As such, Marinette didn’t balance. She just kept falling (blind to the oncoming danger right below her).

There was Ladybug, protector of Paris, the new guardian of the miraculous- and then there was Marinette, the stressed out klutz that everyone assumed was a jealous liar. It was easy to know who was the priority.

Alya seemed to notice, she seemed to care when she asked why she looked so tired. When she’d asked to sit with Marinette day after day after day during lunch. But all it took was a ‘I’m fine’ and a ‘no thank you’ before she was left alone again. It wasn’t like Marinette could tell Alya anything but half-baked lies but… sometimes she wished her friend got suspicious of her.

Luka also clearly noticed, but he never pushed for anything- just strummed his guitar, calming her heart before it just sped back up again. She knew she was being unfair to him, but sometimes she wished he wasn’t as patient as he was because then she wouldn’t have an excuse to keep her secrets locked up inside her mouth.

And Kagami… well, Marinette hadn’t talked to Kagami much at all since Heart Eater. A few texts here and there, but they were both too busy. Or that was what she told herself.

There was also Chat Noir, but he had seemed distracted, almost distant. And Marinette knew that he was ruminating on her and her mistake. How she was a terrible partner and an even worse leader. She knew what he was thinking- it was so obvious.

And that was her social circle. Sad and desolate- but easy to slip away and busy herself with her new duties.

The better she got at being Ladybug, the less likely Marinette was going to ruin everything. Infect all of their hard work with her stupid jeaulousy or clumsiness.

(but, cut through ladybug and there was just marinette. a lost girl that didn’t know what the hell she was doing, that wished she could bring herself to not care. a klutzy girl that wished she was normal, with her friends right beside her. a weak willed child that wished she could’ve just fallen for lila’s lies and had disappointment be her only strife. underneath her hard shell she was just wasting away under guilt and weak resentment.  _ and wasn’t that just so sad? _ )

Tikki kept giving her weird looks.

* * *

Chat Noir had asked her what was wrong multiple times.

The first time was when she had forgotten to go to patrol twice in a row. She was always punctual with patrols, but it had slipped her mind between catching up on her growing pile of homework and translating the grimoire.

“It isn’t like you.” Cat Noir had insisted, “What’s wrong?”

And when she’d shook her head and simply said “it slipped my mind” he’d let it go.

But then she’d fallen asleep on top of him and the subject had been reignited.

“What’s wrong?” He’d asked, and she’d shook her head.

But unlike Alya, unlike Luka, unlike the last time- he hadn’t let it go.

So Marinette had choked on her words, turned away, and left to go home. Because once her wish had finally been granted, she didn’t know what to do.

All she could do was apologize, but that didn’t seem like enough.

She missed the next patrol on purpose this time.

(whenever chat saw her, he gave her a look similar to tikki’s. a part of her wondered, vaguely, if it was disappointment)

* * *

Her parents were also starting to wonder about her. Maybe worry that she was cooped up in her room too much. They were probably wondering if she was being bullied again. But Lila had been leaving her alone since she’d stepped away from the class, only sending small slights and smug smirks in her direction, so Marinette didn’t really have an excuse to use.

They asked why she wasn’t having lunch with her friends, and all she could say was that she was trying to catch up on her homework without any distractions. They knew she was behind.

(she wasn’t doing homework- instead she was trying to figure out a lost, ancient language with only a few jotted notes and the murmurings of a turtle god to guide her)

Her parents had always said that she could tell them anything, and for once in her life she was doubting that sentiment. It was scary how easy it was to brush aside their concerns.

And it wasn’t just her parents- Alya  _ had  _ gotten a bit more pushy, adding in ‘are you sure?’s whenever Marinette declined a lunch invitation. Luka hung around more, even picking her up from school some days. Nino seemed to ramble to her a bit more about music, usually ones that he claimed to be ‘relaxing’. Adrien kept watching her during class, despite the fact that she was in the back and he was in the front. Mlle. Bustier asked if she was sleeping okay.

It was becoming a bit too much. Especially when Alya cornered her one time at lunch to have a ‘serious discussion’.

“What’s wrong?” Alya had asked. And suddenly the conversation felt very familiar.

“N-nothing's wrong.” Marinette tried, wanting to leave- but unlike the conversation with Chat, Tikki was there to tug on the hem of her shirt, silently pleading for her to talk to her friend.

“Bullshit. I talked to Luka, he says you’re not okay.”

“I’m fine. It’s not important.”

“Is it about Adrien?” Alya asked, because of course she did. Because Marinette always had to be connected to Adrien in some way.

And maybe… maybe there was some sort of vague connection to Adrien in her tangled mix of emotions- but he wasn’t the problem.  _ Kagami wasn’t the problem _ . And so she shook her head.

“Please tell me.”

And she wondered. She wondered just for a second if she could tell Alya. Pour out her heart until it was so empty that it hurt. Marinette wondered for a moment if the truth wouldn’t hurt. But then the stupid, selfish thoughts were gone- and she was Ladybug again. No one could know her secret identity. It was the rule, it had always been the rule.

So instead of saying, “I don’t know what I’m doing” or “I wish I could be normal”, all Marinette was able to choke out was, “I-I can’t.”

Alya had just hummed, lips pressed together as she tried to hide her hurt. Lightly, her best friend patted her back lightly, telling her, “I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

Then she left the room and Marinette was all alone.

“I’m sorry.” She said to the empty room.

The only response was Tikki nuzzling into her cheek, buzzing with strong emotion.

(marinette was such a hypocrite)

* * *

Tikki talked to her next, a week after her short conversation with Alya. 

It was late, nearly midnight, and all of the kwami’s but Tikki had been shoved inside the miracle box for some peace and quiet. 

“Marinette?” Her kwami’s voice was gentle, yet prodding. A voice perfected after years together. 

“Yeah?” She’d implored, distracted as she read ancient symbols and tapped her pencil against the grimoire.

“You’re not doing okay. You’re blaming yourself.”

Marinette grit her teeth, “It  _ is  _ my fault.”

“And you’ll fix it.” Tikki agreed, “But you’re not learning from your mistakes, you’re just trying to cover them up.”

“No. I’m… it’s not like that.”

“You haven’t gotten anywhere, Marinette. You’re isolating yourself, you’re tired, the progress on your translations are going far too slow, and you still don’t have any more allies. You’re not fixing things.”

“I am. I just… it’s my fault-  _ I  _ have to fix it, Tikki. You don’t get it!”

“That’s not how it works. These are becoming dangerous times, Marinette. The world needs Ladybug, and Ladybug needs allies.”

“Ladybug is a pillar.”

“One pillar can’t hold up a house.”

Marinette looked up from her half-hearted translations, taking notice of Tikki’s resolute glare. “I’m not just Ladybug anymore. I’m also the guardian- I have responsibilities.” Bitterness slipped through, and she grit her teeth.

(it was no one’s fault. not really)

“I think…” Tikki paused, hesitant to say anything too harsh, “I think that you’re letting your fear control you. I know you want to talk to Alya, to Chat, to Luka- but you’re afraid. And I know you want to fix your ally situation, but you’re too afraid of messing up to even think about it.”

“I’m not.” She said, “I’m not afraid. I just feel like there’s no ground underneath me. There’s no one that understands, and I can’t let people understand. Maybe I am afraid, just a bit, of losing something important again.”

“You’re falling, Marinette.”

It was a simple sentence, just three easy words from the mouth of her kwami. From the mouth of a god, of a friend. But, it held more weight than anyone could ever imagine.

The illusion that Marinette had built for herself shattered, and there she was- falling.

In retrospect, it was obvious. At the moment, she was surprised and scared.

There was a problem, and it wasn’t her. There was nothing but rushing air and the impending ground. There was nothing to cling to, no way to land properly.

Marinette was falling, and knowing that was clarity.

  
  


(she was falling and falling and falling… how was she supposed to slow down? to stop? to land? there was no way out, it was too late-)

But Marinette was Ladybug, and she had always been a quick thinker.

“You’re right, Tikki.”

  
  


The next day, Marinette sent a beaming smile at Alya that she couldn’t help but mean. Her friend grinned back.

The day after that, she hugged Luka and said, “I’m going to do something about it.” He probably had no idea what she was talking about, but he’d tousled her hair and said, “good job” either way.

She even apologized to Kagami for avoiding her, but Marinette was too much of a coward to do it in person. (one day- in the near future, was what she told herself)

* * *

The answer to her first problem was surprisingly obvious when Marinette took the time to take a calming breath and think about it. Her and Chat’s lack of allies was a huge problem. A large scratch on their wall of flaws.

But all she had to do was recycle.

She could keep her trusted friends close to her, even as Ladybug. Even if they had different jewelry rubbed against their skin, unfamiliar masks tight around their eyes.

Matches would never be perfect- no one could be a perfect fit for a god- but there were definitely improvements that Marinette could make.

She wrote scattered notes that tended to not make any sense. Half written in French and a language that still remained to be lost (she was learning and practicing, but it had yet to be enough).

A part of Marinette wondered if she was doing it wrong, assigning something different and unfamiliar to her friends. She got to keep being Ladybug, after all. (but she was also the guardian, thrust upon her despite that fact that she was supposed to have a real choice that wasn’t ‘save the world or let it burn’)

Was she wrong when she decided that the quick-witted, ever active (fiercely protective, steady weight) Alya was better suited as a turtle than a fox?

Was she wrong when she gave the observant, empathetic (keeper of secrets, gentle prodding) Luka a fox pendant that he twisted around his wrist?

When she let Kagami become one with the snapping energy of the bee? Or Nino the ever-presence of Longg’s choker?

Was Marinette wrong when she asked Chloe Bourgeois, the class bully, a spoiled brat that didn’t know the meaning of consequences (who knows what she wants, not forgetting what matters even when her heart strays), “Do you believe in patience?” Leaving only when the sun broke through the dawn, throat sore from talking and reassuring, the promise of an ouroboros bracelet heavy in the air. ( _ “One day, just be patient” _ )

That question couldn’t be answered until she talked to her partner though. About the changes. About the stress. About how she was still falling (maybe even a little faster than before) and that she still didn’t know how she was going to land.

A small part of her hoped that Chat Noir would offer to catch her.

And so she told him. Not everything, but she told him enough.

“I’m falling.”

* * *

When Chat Noir found out Hawkmoth’s identity, the first thing he did was talk to Ladybug.

It was touching. She was so, so glad that he trusted her enough to tell her something so important.

“This is going to unravel everything. For me. For you. For  _ me _ . This is a lot- and you have to know my identity.”

“Chat-“

“Please.”

She swallowed, “Okay.”

“Hawkmoth’s my father.” Chat rasped, “He’s my… it’s Gabriel Agreste. Hawkmoth is my father, who’s also Gabriel Agreste.”

It was at that moment that Marinette realized that Chat- Adrien was also falling. Right along next to her, his eyes closed to the chaos below, head tilted to the hope filled sky as if it would reach down and save him.

It was foolish to think that Chat Noir would catch her. She was too blinded by the danger below to see the boy who was right next to her.

But he still tried for her, even when the ground below him vanished slowly. It was time to return the favor and save them both. Together- as a team. (allies ready to fight when the time came, next to them no matter how many mistakes marinette made)

So she grabbed his hand, held it gently and solemn, and detransformed.

And there was only Marinette, a clumsy girl who didn’t know what to do with her feelings half the time.

And there was only Adrien, a young boy that only wanted love and who found excitement in the simple things.

“I’m sorry.” She said, hugging him tight.

“I won’t betray you.” he said back, “I know right from wrong. He was barely family in the first place.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

He hugged her back, eyes misty and mask finally off.

(she didn’t have the time to think of old, faraway crushes that had once twisted her heart and made butterflies erupt in her stomach. he didn’t either)

* * *

At the end of it all, she’d watched him kneel on the ground of his mansion’s secret room and cry, mourning his broken family that he’d only wished would come together.

The cold body of his mother lay in the glass casket and Adrien murmured, “mamam, papa…” with a fragile voice that didn’t sound like victory.

The other heroes were gone- to celebrate and grieve in private (though they’d all promised to meet each other later that night), but Marinette had stayed, ready to escort Adrien out of the mansion once he gave the word. It was just them, Marinette rubbing circles on his back while he wondered where everything went wrong.

He reminded her of herself, when she had sunk to her knees and repeated the simple phrase of “I’m falling” to him, crying and wondering why it had been so hard to notice. Adrien didn’t thank her, but he didn’t need to.

They were partners, after all. It was what partners were meant to do.

(later, in marinette’s room after the big identity reveal between all of their teammates, after the screaming and the crying and  _ everything _ , adrien told her that he wished the mansion had caught fire and burned right before they left.

“because then it’ll be gone for good. then i can think about it in the past tense. set it all behind me. even if maman’s body would be gone for good.”

“we can arrange a fire.” she’d told him, only half joking.

and he’d laughed, an odd choking sound that was almost a sob)

And even if the landing was a bit rough. Dangerous and scary- something that  _ hurt _ . At least they weren’t falling anymore.

(the next day, adrien didn’t go to school, but marinette did. she was ignored by most, but chloe had shot her a shy smile in the hallway. nino had distracted the teacher so she could get some extra sleep in class. alya had given marinette her lunch. luka had hugged her, picking her up from school like he sometimes did, and said “i’m here” as he let her cry into his shoulder. kagami called her, letting marinette ramble into the speaker, even when it made her late to fencing class)

Yeah, landing was nice.

**Author's Note:**

> God, I don’t know what this is. I wrote it in one day with nothing but the title going through my head. Sorry if it’s bad.
> 
> Also, is anyone else just kind of weirded out by how this show teaches lessons? Like, stakes are way too high for the mundane mistakes of teenagers. Like, Marinette gets jealous about her friend and crush getting together and makes a mistake- boom, the world is almost destroyed.
> 
> Thanks for reading, this completely drained me of my creative energy.


End file.
